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Very Important Public Announcement

by Isiyaku Ahmed
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Ahmed Joe

This is to inform the members of the general public that upon my recent return from a flying visit to some select palliative warehouses across the nation, you are now all officially on your own. As can be clearly seen my parlor shall be unavailable to entertain any visitor be, they friends, well wishers, relatives or even neighbors for some time to come. Any inconvenience caused by the recent acquisition of my share of the national cake is highly regretted. If you vex call SARS.

May I seize this opportunity to also dispel any speculation, rumour or innuendo that I am a looter or hoodlum. It is just that my turn has come.

By my recent change of level, I am now officially an oppressor, I shall therefore no longer be associated with masses again except through greeting from a social distance. I however intend to violate all protocols to seek for your votes on behalf of my new friends come 2023. I hope to re-join national discourse as soon as I clean mouth.

Finally, I am not unaware of the numerous fake videos suspected to be Nollywood generated circulating in the public domain showing a cross section of Nigerians purported to be suffering from hunger, unimaginable pain or anguish storming various palliative warehouses shortly after my tour.

As the newest member of the political class, I hereby rebut, repudiate and reject any attempt at negatively profiling of my hard working, honest and dedicated non-hoarding colleagues keenly anticipating the next round of lock down.

To actively resist propaganda from any quarter, all loyal Nigerians are to permanently stay tuned to NTA – only. The other TV stations are nothing but haters wailing at time like this that calls for sober reflection.

Finally, finally, be reminded that in our country there is enough for everyone’s greed but not for our need. That is just the way it is. Kindly bear with me and my other colleagues in leadership position.

As for my numerous enemies of progress – Back to sender.

I will stop here because it is bad dining table manners to be chopping and talking at the same time except to swallow Andrews Liver Salt to aid digestion.

Any attempt to circulate my address to Jos people who have now perfected how to obtain through roof shall be resisted with all the powers that the staff of office of the Oba of Lagos can muster.

You have been warned!

Yours truly, Gofment Pickin alias Na only me waka come!

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